When I wasn’t trustworthy

It was four years from now when I was missing integrity:

I could commit to any activity but I wasn’t able to come thru.

I didn´t use schedules or a calendar but if I would have: it would have been hectically busy. I used to never said NO to anything that made me a bit excited and, when the time came, I didn’t even have the energy or desire to do it anymore -goes by default: I wasn’t doing much about having the health to summon the strength either.

I can only imagine how many opportunities were wasted.

I was unliving: My everyday was a flower I couldn’t smell -Looking at it is good but missing its fragrance meant missing its essence… AND PURPOSE.

I wasn’t very aware of this at that time thou; I was enjoying in my oblivion, I can’t even say I had a serious longing; I mean, I had some gaps here and there but I thought it was the regular anxiety and uncertainty, “normal stuff”.

Little did I know that soon enough everything was changing and those voids I had accepted to live with would be filled with hope and answers. My whole being was about to not only be full but would start pouring out.

I wasn’t endangering my life before but I was certainly wasting it. As much as I was in a good place -the sun rises and life is good overall- I wasn’t whole. My gaps were limitations that kept me from experiencing the flower.

Then, my whole world view changed and all of my life after that. If somebody would have told me what I´m about to say I might have laughed, but it is true, I cannot lie or put make up to my own experience:

Little by little I started to realize my life wasn’t just a sum of coincidences, my life, my thoughts, my every single moments and everything around them were whispering at me: God loves you… then one day I ended up in a christian temple and the whisper became a loud, powerful shout, I began crying as I UNDERSTOOD:

God who is LOVE, infinite, perfect love, LOVES ME!

As soon as I believed it I was unchained, out of a cage, I became a free agent, free of judgment, free to be myself without any concern.

After that I started gaining confidence; I could really appreciate the taste of what was in my plate at the moment and that lead me to trust that what’s coming could only be better (it has), because it comes from Him, it comes from true love.

All of the things became meaningful, my apathy was dead. Excellence became the goal.

What could oppress my true self now? No human opinion surely, not even mine. I received that power.

Gratefulness for my new reality and empathy towards my “fellow humans” A.K.A brothers and sisters started to move me since I come from living without the rich life God gives. I can see now how these took me into the next level of LIVING.

Not a coincidence that Jesus instruction to human kind is TO LOVE. DO TO OTHERS AS YOU WANT THEM TO DO WITH YOU.

He encourages us to first find in ourselves what we ask others to give.

Freely loving unlocked so many opportunities and look, I didn’t suddenly learn to love, I cannot many times, and end up being too hard on others (but mostly with my self actually). Feeling mercy is an everyday decision.

I´m still learning to live free, without the many complexes and deliriums I used to serve to. As a witness and actor in this story, prepared to encounter what´s been prepared for me.

It´s amazing to know I had so much inside me, waiting for the opportunities and freedom to come out. Writing and sharing all of this is only possible because of giving an honest shot at true relationships: with God, with me and with others.

What’s a true relationship? You ask. We’ll unfold that in another moment. It’s worth dissecting it.

Before all of these started to build me up I was far from being open to understand that there was much more pleasure to life than what I knew. Maybe I was scared to realize I wouldn´t have access to such things.

This version of reality was off my radar completely. I wasn’t ready to go wherever life was ready to take me. 

And that’s the story of how I was rescued from a untrustworthy life by the most tender savior: Jesus.

There’s much more to talk, but meanwhile this covers it.

With love, Adriana.

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